Dear St Luke’s Grammar, What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Dear St Luke’s Grammar,

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I should end this letter there. You have truly stumped me. I am lost for words, which does not happen often.

I’m sure you’ve stopped reading now because I used the word ‘fuck’. I’m guessing by the time I’ve finished this letter, I will have used it a few more times—maybe not on paper, but over and over again in my head.

I need to tell you a bit about myself before I get too deep into the matter at hand.
I am a mum to two children; an eight-year-old girl, Alexis, and a 16-month-old boy, Solomon. On one hand, I’m trying to teach my daughter that she is more than her body. I want her to be strong and kind, to respect herself and to love herself—and all her quirks and flaws. On the other hand, I intend to raise my son in such a way that he will know how to respect women and treat them as equals. I hope he will become a man who sees women not for their looks, but for who they truly are.

I’m working hard to teach Alexis that she is more than her looks, more than a number—even if one day someone has the audacity to rate her as such.
And then there you are.
Encouraging your students to use a point system to choose the qualities they want in a female partner--as if they were having a product custom made for them.

In an article today, I saw an activity which one of your male teachers had given to a group of grade 10 boys. Your students were given the following activity:

You have 25 points to allocate on qualities that you would look for in a girl. Now, this is supposed to be for a lasting relationship. Listed below are a number of qualities, each marked with a point system. You have to prioritise what you think is important.
• Six points: popular, loyal, good looking/attractive, intelligent, strong Christian, kind and considerate, virgin, trustworthy.
• Five points: physically fit, easy to talk to, fun/sense of humour, wise.
• Four points: sporty/sexy, goes to church, honest/doesn’t lie or cheat, similar interests to you, friendly
• Three points: well dressed/groomed, artistic, good manners, good pedigree, ambitious goals, hard-working, great kisser, owns a car.
• Two points: right height, good at school, brave – stand up for rights, socially competent.
• One point: favourite hair colour, favourite eye colour, has money, sincere and serious, generous, adventurous, similar beliefs, cares for the world, comfortable even in quiet moments.

Like I said, what the actual fuck?

Let’s start with the obvious… In what world is it okay for men to rate women and determine where their value lies? Whoever created this incredibly appalling activity clearly has little respect for women and is passing this message down to these young men. Or, and I’m not sure at this point which would be worse, he genuinely thought he was setting his male students up for a lasting relationship by encouraging them to consider the value of women and their diverse characteristics.

I thought we, as a society, had moved past this? I thought we were all banding together to teach our young men how to be respectful, kind, considerate humans. Instead activities like this encourage a culture of toxic masculinity.

Now, let’s consider the ‘values’ that were included in this task.

Virginity—let’s start with the v-word. I have no doubt that the majority of your teachers lost their virginity before they were married. I also don’t doubt that, as this was a year 10 activity, quite a few of the males in that class are no longer virgins and may have lost their virginity with a female student who attends your school.
So, let us consider this badge of honour that is worth 6 points. Your male students are encouraged to give or take away the worth of your female students (who they may have lost their own virginity with) due to whether they are a virgin or not. The message is clear--sexually active females are sluts and worth less than their ‘pure’ counterparts.

Sporty/sexy are listed as the same thing. This is essentially implying that any person who isn’t sporty also isn’t sexy. Do you understand what sexy really is? It’s being comfortable and confident in your skin, which many of your female students no longer have the privilege of being. Instead, activities like this encourage them to be insecure and critical of their bodies.

Good pedigree? I just don’t understand this one. Do you mean pedigree… like a dog? Like a well-bred poodle? If that’s where my mind went, I can’t even imagine where the mind of 15 and 16-year-old boys went. In fact, I was (insert sarcastic tone) ‘delighted’ to read that some of your male students referred to the activity as “Build-a-Bitch”. I wish I could be angry at them, but they were placed in a situation where they were encouraged to remove all intrinsic worth from females and determine what values they classed as being worthy.

Popularity and being good looking/attractive is listed as being worth six times more than caring for the world. Does this reflect how you teach your students to care for the environment?

I must say, I was relieved that ‘good kisser’ was included in the same point category as good manners, ambitious goals, and hard working. I know that when I’m handing my CV to a potential employer and it asks for my attributes, I write ‘good kisser’ on there, right next to those other values. That’s what my worth, and my daughter’s worth, boils down to--how well we can kiss.

And while we’re on the topic of my CV, I’ll leave brave, socially competent, sincere, generous, adventurous and comfortable out because, according to your list, they aren’t anything to be proud of - they only deserve one or two points.

All of these things—being brave, sincere, generous, hard-working and ambitious—are things that I am trying to teach my daughter are important. And, yet, you are teaching all ofthose young, malleable minds, that these characteristics hold little or no value for women. You have taught them that it’s more important for females to be a virgin, popular, good looking, sexy and physically fit.

Reading about this activity makes me lose hope… I feel as if we’re never going to break the cycle of abuse, narcissism, consent issues and gender inequality in our country. It endures because the older generations, and those in influential positions, taint the minds of the younger generations, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

I acknowledge that your principal sent a letter home apologising to parents, but I don’t think this is enough. How is it possible that this teacher thought that this activity was even remotely okay? I don’t believe that this teacher was “surprised that the activity caused offence and saddened students”. What did he honestly think would happen? I’m disgusted, appalled and speechless when I consider the effect that this activity—and others like it--would have on these impressionable minds.

I know there are plenty of people who will start picking up the pieces of the mess you’re making, seeking to bring an end to inequality, sexism, abuse and toxic masculinity.

If only they didn’t have to.