Grade One

I thought I would be okay today.

By grade one I should be okay, I should be a pro by now. The other parents were.

I’m realising that I am so different to the other parents. I’m also realising that that’s okay.

Last night I was in tears about today.
I spoke to you and you said, “you hate me growing up, don’t you?”

The truth is Alexis, I don’t. I don’t hate it at all. I love it. I’ve always loved it. And I’ve always being purposeful about loving it. I’ve always wanted to be a parent who enjoys the full journey without focusing too much on what was, in fear of not appreciating what is.

For some reason today was different. While I love watching you grow, I’m scared of you growing. I wanted to keep you little today. I wanted to go back to what was.

But you were ready today. Confident. Good to go.

But to me, you’re so fragile. And I can’t handle it. People don’t love you the same as I do. And I want them to. I want your teacher to love you as though you were her own.

Does she know how loved you are at home?
Does she realise your worth?
You’re not just another student.
You are my daughter.
My everything.
And you are preciously loved.

What about your peers.
Those who like you and those who don’t.
They don’t know.
They don’t understand.
That’s what scares me about you growing up.
Other people.
The way others will treat you.
And in turn, the way you could treat others.

Will you know how to demand kindness from others?
Will you know how to ask for gentleness?
Have I taught you well enough to be able to face your little world?
To be both brave and respectful.
Fierce and kind.

As you get older, the world gets crueler.
But you’re braver than I am, and I love that. You want to face the world. You’re not afraid of it.

Today as you step into grade 1, I am tempted to tighten my grip. Instead I learn to loosen it ever so slightly... I doubt you would even notice it.

There is a tension between holding on and letting go. Protecting you and pushing you. Watching you adventure out and wanting to keep you back.
I hope I find the balance, as either to the extreme could be detrimental.

It wasn’t you who wasn’t ready for today. It was me. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.

In saying all of this, I can’t wait to see how you learn and grow this year and I don’t want to take away from any of that!!

Be kind, not because others are, but because you are.
Don’t let other change you, let them challenge you and develop your character.
Don’t let them tell you to act differently and hide your quirks.
Listen and do it well.
Love and be loved.
Appreciate and respect your freedom to learn.

So proud of you my little Galushka. My little dumpling.

I can’t wait to wrap you in my arms today. To hear about your day. To hear about your adventures.


I love you.