Hair Grows

​Navigating this blog stuff is a whole new ball game.
I need to start googling blog questions. You know, like, how often do I blog? And how much do I write in each blog?
I used to do a bit of public speaking and I remember during the preparation I would think, “gee, I’m glad I’ll be able to skip the parts that actually don’t matter”. Blogging is different, once its up, there it is. All of the useless parts are there too.
My next issue [with blogging] is that no one can understand my tone. I hate social media and texting for this reason, you just can’t understand how someone is saying their words, and people interpret what they’re reading on their experiences and feelings that day. Normally I cover my arse by adding in emojis, but again, blogging doesn’t offer that.
 
We’re all learning together, which is a worry.
However I may be overthinking it. Its been known to happen.
 
Before I get onto my next letter I want to thank everyone who was so encouraging regarding my first post.
Eventually I’ll add all of the past Addressed to Alexis letters, but not yet. Also, to those who have asked, no you cannot subscribe at this point. I’ve done this on purpose. I’ve been on a bit of a journey regarding discipline and I guess I’m wondering how disciplined I’ll be. I don’t feel like letting myself down, so I’m easing into the process.
 
Anyway... here we go.

​Alexis,
 
This year I started seeing a phycologist. When you asked where I was going I said to you, “Lexi, you know how mummy cries a lot sometimes?”
Your response, “yeah, I know”
“and Lexi” I said, “you know how sometimes it feels like mummy cries a little bit more than other people?”
“oh yeah, you cry all the time” (just to be clear, I didn’t think I was that bad)
“Well mummy is going to see someone to help her understand why she cries so much”
“that’s good mummy”, you told me.
 
At the end of my first appointment my phycologist asked me, “Kate tell me what you are hoping to gain from this”
I sat and thought for a moment, I said to her “I hate looking back on my life and what’s happened and feeling sad. I want my past to be a point of strength for me, not a point of weakness. I want my hurt to be a building point rather than a crumbling point”
 
“Kate I’m so glad you didn’t say you wanted to be happy”
 
I said to her, “I don’t believe in happiness.”
 
She asked me to explain further.
Alexis, let me instead explain to you.
 
So many people have been asked, “what do you want in life?”
Many have answered.
And I’m sure many have said that their search is for happiness, “all I want in life is to be happy”.
 
I write to you knowing that the words I am about to string together are not always possible, not always achievable.
 
I write to you knowing I have not perfected this. Knowing I probably never will.
But it doesn’t mean we don’t strive.
 
Let’s talk about happiness.
 
People love happiness. Our society pushes for us to be happy. We are lead to believe that sadness is the enemy and at all cost we must avoid it.
We have tablets to make us happy. We have tablets to ease sadness.
We are told to buy more.
Buy the car. Buy the phone. Go on the holiday. Buy the shoes. Buy another Adidas jumper (this was a personal experiment) and you will be happier. Hike up a mountain. Create moments.
We are told others will make us happy; marriage, people, family. It’s not always the case.
We are told that if our life looks a certain way we should be happy, everything should be okay.
We become frustrated because the life that was meant to lead to happiness hasn’t come to fruition.
 
Call me cynical, and that’s okay, but I’m not a fan of happiness. I’m not big on the concept of happiness. I believe happiness is deceiving.
 
Happiness is fleeting. It’s momentary.
 
We are led to believe that we should always be happy and if we’re not there is something wrong with us.
Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying though. Happiness is nice. It’s fun. It’s exciting. We look back on photos and a warmth comes over us, reminding of a happier time (refer to photos attached). We ‘throwback’ to the moments we loved, when we are in a not so loving place. And when we meet moments of happiness we should embrace them. Love them.
 
The issue I have with happiness and the reason I am cynical towards it, is because it’s not a permanent state of being. No one, for all their lives can be happy. When we find the high of happiness we certainly don’t want to let it go. We will keep searching for the high, finding it, but never really attaining it.
 
The search for happiness makes sadness seem like the enemy, but it isn’t.
In life, we can’t have good without the bad.
Superman can’t save the world without Lex Luther.
 
Bravery only exists because we know fear.
We can only meet with peace once we’ve first spent time with turmoil.
Joy cannot be embraced without first embracing grief.
Happiness cannot be known if you have never known sadness.
You only become strong, if you’ve first been weak.
 
Sadness.
Pain.
Grief.
Turmoil.
They are not the enemy.
Nor will they ever be.
The enemy is the lack of understanding we have around emotions.
 
No emotion lasts forever. They come and they go. Sometimes quickly, sometimes they stick around for longer. Emotions are not places to set up home, we pass through them on the journey. We meet with them and learn from them, and we learn to embrace them.
In life, it’s the moments of trial we learn about ourself. It’s the hard times that develop character. Climbing the mountains develop our muscles, it builds our strength (and has a stunning view).
The happy moments give us rest, but they don’t develop us as people of character and convictions.
We need to learn to lean into our emotions rather than run from them. By leaning into what we’re feeling we find the place we should be setting up home.
 
If you’re going to stop anywhere on your journey, stop at contentment.
Being content is an art which I haven’t mastered, but I’m learning.
Being content is to be in the middle of great trial and suffering, or being completely elated and excited, knowing no matter what happens everything will be okay. To be able to feel extreme emotions, at both ends of the spectrum and knowing no matter what the season or the situation you will survive. You will still stand strong and you will find thankfulness even when it seems difficult.
 
I hate being told to find positives when I’m in a bad head space. Hate it. Sometimes I’m not a glass half full person. It’s too much effort.
I would rather tell a person to fuck off than tell them what the positives in my life are.
Tell me to find something to be thankful for though, that I can do. I realise they are essentially the same thing, but they’re not. Not to me anyway. But that’s for another time…
I can understand the thought process behind it though; finding positives or reasons to be thankful in the hardest of times. It allows for us to step into a place when we can settle our emotions, heart and mind to remind ourselves that even in the best and worst of times we can be at peace.
 
Being content means knowing that even when your heart is at its weakest you will come out the other side.
Being content means appreciating the hardest of times as much as the easiest of times.
Being content means learning when the difficult and resting when its easy.
Being content means stopping and breathing deep no matter what your surroundings are doing.
Being content allows for our past to be a point of strength rather than weakness.
Being content recognises that your hurt doesn’t weaken you, but builds you up. It isn’t a crumbling point, but a building block.
 
Being content, I like this one, allows for you to have compassion to yourself when you feel weak.
 
Being content is getting the worst hair cut ever, looking in the mirror and thinking, “uggggggh it’s so bad, but hair grows”
 
So, Alexis I beg you, don’t seek happiness. When happiness comes embrace it and enjoy every moment of it. But don’t let happiness be your goal. It’s not your destination. Your destination is to be content. It’s to seek peace in the best and worst of moments.
 
The goal is to learn, grow, breath, stop, and find peace.
We’ll learn together.
 
I hope that in every moment you can stand and say “no matter what, I will be okay. I will find peace. I will find contentment. What I have and who I am is more than enough”.
 
I love you,
 
Love me x