Hashtag Unfiltered

Tonight, I could go downstairs and pluck my eyebrows into a shape I like. To remove the pale colour of my skin, I could get my fake tan out of the cupboard and put it all over my body; arms, legs, face.
When I wake up in the morning, I'll open up my make-up case and cover my uneven skin tone with foundation. To add shape back to my face, I'll use a highlighter, contour, and blush. I also need to have my eyelashes re-done, so they look long and dark and full, enhancing the look of my eyes.
I'll shave all the hair off my legs, vagina, and underarms when I shower next.
On Sunday, I'll book an appointment to have my nails infilled so the hands I am self-conscious of don't look like man's hands.
To extend the length of my legs, I'll wear heels.
My hair; if I don't like it, I can change as much as I want. I can colour it, cut it, and add extensions. I straighten it, curl it, put it up, leave it down.
One day, when Solomon finally stops breastfeeding, I'll have a breast job.
I can remove my wrinkles with botox and have bigger lips with fillers.
With the right colour clothing, I can make my skin look brighter.
Depending on how I'm feeling, depends on what glasses I wear, and depending on what glasses I wear, depends on the shape of my face.
If I don't like the loose parts of my skin, I can wear the correct undergarments to make my body look more petite.
I can lose weight or gain weight as I need, or more accurately, as I want.
If I started at the top of my head and worked down the length of my body, I could tell you all the things I could change; or if I'm being honest, I do change weekly, sometimes daily.
And after all of that, if I'm still unhappy, I'll download an app that can remove the mum-tum that I hate, the wrinkles, or the tired eyes. I can remove all the scars on my arms. I can remove every mark which indicates a life lived so that I can look perfect. And once I have done that and changed all my storytelling lines, I can add a mother fucking filter that will hide those tiny little bits that no one else would even notice.
And I can look, smile, and say, "now the world can see me."

And still, I dare to say to tell you that you are beautiful and don't ever change a thing about yourself and stay confident in who you are and every quality you have and give to the world. I tell you this, all the while I'm doing the opposite.

You won't remember my words, which I'm desperately trying to speak over your heart and mind. You'll remember a mother who has different colour nails every fortnight, extended eyelashes, a million clothes and still doesn't know what to wear. You'll remember a mother standing in front of the mirror every morning, straightening her already straight hair and removing any flaws from her face. And you'll think it's all normal and all okay.
And you know what? It is normal. We live in a world and society where women changing themselves before presenting themselves is entirely normal, and no one thinks anything of it.
Every woman says, myself included, "we don't do it for others; we do it for ourselves and self-love". I call bullshit. I do it for others. It would be easier for me to wake up each morning, not put in the effort, and just bush my teeth and hair. But outside for that and hygiene stuff for the health of my body - it's for others. I want to present myself in a way that looks like I have it all together, even when crumbling underneath. I can say, "now the world can see me".
I have to tell you a secret - sometimes (lol, every time) I see someone, and I'm not wearing make-up, I think I'm brave and impressed with myself.
I'm convinced that the length we go to to look a certain way has nothing to do with our body but everything to do with our heart.
When I cover up the flaws and marks and faults on my face with make-up, I'm trying to cover the imperfections, blemishes, and scars on my heart. So when I'm in public or with friends, they will see the confidence in my face and assume that my heart and mind are following suit. Maybe, if they can only see what I've presented to them, they won't know what I'm hiding under a well-put-together mask and facade. If I can remove the tired eyes, they won't see the weariness I carry. If they can't see the uneven skin tone, they won't see the rises and falls of my heart.
But at the same time, if I present myself well enough, maybe I won't see them either. Perhaps I'll miss the internal flaws because the external flaws are covered. This could explain why I think I'm brave when I've spent time with someone without make-up. I've presented myself to them in my vulnerable, authentic and scared state. I'm saying to them, "here I am, in my rawest form, and I hope you accept me like this".

So, Alexis, it's not your body I hope you learn to accept; it's your heart. From the overflow of loving your heart and mind, I genuinely think you'll love your body, face, and every part of you, no matter what society suggests. It's not your body with flaws and faults. It's actually your mind convincing you that you're not enough, and by changing the external, you will become enough.
You see, make-up and all those other things aren't the issues; the issue why we use them and using them to cover our perceived flaws.
No matter what you change externally, your mind will still tell you there is more to fix before you become acceptable to anyone, including yourself. So rather than your focus being your external, ensure that it's internal you put your time into. Focus on your mind and heart and the deep needs because that's where you'll find the freedom you need.

I'm going to leave this letter here - but I think I'll come back to it later because I have so many thoughts, and to put them all into one letter would make it confusing.
For now, my sweet angel, your mind, your heart and your compassion are my favourite parts about you!