I don’t go to church

“Kate, how’s church going?”

The question I dreaded the most was asked to me while sitting in a cafe.

I smiled politely, I had a fair idea of the interaction would pan out...

“I’m not really sure” I responded.
“Oh, why not?”

I prepared myself for the eyes.
“The eyes” are a term I use for when people say more through their eyes than their words.
I mostly get them when I’ve placed lexi in timeout in a public setting, like when we’re grocery shopping.
People look at me and without saying a word their eyes say “good on ya, Mum. You’ve got this. We’ve been there too”.
Sometimes they say “can you please control your kid” to which my eyes respond “fuck off. Do you want to deal with her sass so I can continue shopping? Didn’t think so”

The eyes I was preparing myself for during this interaction aren’t encouraging eyes though, they’re “oh, another fallen troop. Another one bites the dust” eyes. Kind of like you give someone who has just lost their job.
Some might say those eyes don’t exist. But they do.
I know these eyes, I know them because after 11 years in church and 11 years of practice, I was the master of them.
I never did those eyes on purpose. It just kind of happened.
I never understood the individual, their heart or journey, but I didn’t need to... because I knew (so I thought), they mustn’t have really loved God. They didn’t really ever know him. If they did they would still be going to church. amirite?

I replied, a little anxiously, “I’m not actually attending a church anymore”.

“Oh (insert eyes here). Well that’s okay. How’s everything else going? How’s Lexi? How’s running, you did a marathon recently didn’t you?”

I nodded. I felt bad seeing how awkward they felt.
They felt awkward about my failed existence.
And I felt bad that they didn’t know how to respond to what I had just said, or me or my situation.

I’ve been pretty open about my stance on church and life.
I probably sound a bit bitter here. Mostly I’m not. Sometimes I am.
After this interaction I certainly was and to give a bit of context, when I wrote this letter it was about 10 minutes after. It’s now two weeks later.

I obviously needed some time to cool off.

If you go to church, the following will probably offended you.
If you don’t go to church, it will be completely irrelevant to you. You may not even know about my faith... don’t worry, I’m not going to whack you with a bible next time I see you...

On many occasions Alexis has asked me why I don’t go to church, so for me this letter is one of relevance. It really is personal to our relationship... which makes it the most terrifying to post.

Anyway... I always said that this blog was for her and I. So I guess this is the tester! Every post has been easy until now...

Alexis,

I don’t go to church anymore.

I used to.
I used to go a lot.
But not anymore.

Alexis, just because I don’t go to church doesn’t mean I don’t love God.
Because I do.

It doesn’t mean I don’t serve God in my own way.
Because I do.

It doesn’t mean I don’t hold the same faith.
Because I do.

It doesn’t mean I’m ‘backslidden’
Because I’m not.

It just means the outworking of my faith and life look different to how they used to.

I don’t go to church because on the occasions I have gone I’ve either felt judged or unloved.
I don’t go to church because for me, it’s a place of loneliness, not fulfilment.
I don’t go to church because I find I connect with God more when I’m running outside. Or when I’m spending time with people discussing situations and issues. Not people.
I don’t go to church because I do too much online shopping during the sermon, and you need food... and I need coffee.
I don’t go to church anymore because I know we have different opinions on some very big topics and I just can’t support some of their views.
I don’t go to church anymore because when I hear about politics from the stage I get frustrated.
I don’t go because often when I go I feel religious and my heart feels hard.
I don’t go to church because I’ve learnt that the God I believe in exists all over the place, not just there.
I don’t go to church anymore because when I needed them the most I found myself alone.
I don’t go to church because for a long time I put church before you. I never should have done that, I’m so sorry. And where I can I want to make adjustments to put you first in every way.
I don’t go anymore because I have found I feel freer and more at peace in my existence away from church.
I don’t go to church because I felt like I had to preform well for survival, for acceptance, for a place.
I don’t go anymore because you have a parent who will help you find your place within church.
I don’t go to church anymore because I have found more grace from those who are outside of church.
I don’t go to church because I was terrified of showing them who I really was, with the fear of not being accepted. With the fear of them thinking I would need prayer, or intervention or healing. I didn’t want prayer, or intervention or healing. I wanted acceptance and love.
I don’t go to church because love wasn’t enough for them, but it was perfect for me.
I don’t go to church anymore because I used to think my church attendance made me a good person. It didn’t. It made me a hurting person.
I don’t go to church because my worth isn’t found in being there, my existence gives me worth.

I don’t go to church because I now realise that I was serving people more than God. I was disillusioned, working hard, and incredibly tired.

I don’t go to church because I know that God is more fond of my heart, even at its weakest than me being bitter about “having” to go.

Alexis, I’m not saying church is bad.
It’s not.
There is so much good that comes out of a church.
In fact, if it wasn’t for church, there wouldn’t be a you.
And just as I’m not perfect, either are they.
And to be clear, this is more of a “it’s me, not you” situation. I’m the only one who control my emotions and attitude.

But Alexis, my weekly church attendance doesn’t make me any less of a believer or decrease my faith in anyway.
It also doesn’t make me a bad person.
It’s not an “us and them” situation.

We are all bad.
Enter Jesus.

Kind and loving people aren’t just found within a church, they are found everywhere.
At the same time judgemental, hurt and angry people aren’t just found outside of a church, they are found everywhere.

I still love.
I still try and forgive.
I still speak life and encouragement.
I still try and develop my character and ideas.
I still give to charities.
I still try and be humble.
I still pray.
I still believe more than ever that God is real.
I still see an amazing amount of good in the world.
I still thank God for you everyday, and for my existence.
I still see how all creation points to God.

I just don’t believe my place is within a church.
Based on my experience.
But you need to know, if your place is within church I’m behind you 100%.

At the same time, I just want you to know that if you search for a place in church and don’t find it, that’s okay.

Jesus didn’t die on the cross to force you into going to church. Church attendance doesn’t determine your salvation.

You’re not a bad person for not going to church, and at the very same time you’re not a good person for attending church.

If your choice is church, I’m with you. If you ask me to go with you, I’ll say yes. I’ll even take you from time to time, based on my choice that day.
If your choice isn’t church, I will never give you “another fallen troop eyes.”

In fact, I realise that one day you may believe something completely different to my beliefs. I have always prayed that you would be someone who carries your convictions strongly. These convictions could be very different to mine.

No matter your choice at any time I will give you “I love you unconditionally” eyes.

Which is what the church should be about.
Because it’s was Gods about.

...I would probably attended that church.
If your choice is church, make sure that’s the church you attend.