If I was a man

​I have sat in many rooms where there have only been females. If anyone thinks men talk inappropriately, you should hear females talk (every female reading this is nodding). We are awful, and our words and comments are appalling.
I have been a part of more than one conversation: "What would you do if you were a man for a day?" I'm sure anyone with an imagination can think of what kind of things were said, but some of the most popular is "sleeping with whoever I want and being called a hero instead of a slut" and "laying in bed and doing nothing without feeling bad".
But other things come up...
I would go for a run at night.
I would wear what I want, how I want.
I would sit on a bus with headphones on.
I would not have to share my locations with my friends.
I would walk to my car without holding my keys as a weapon.
I wouldn't make a phone call when I'm feeling uncomfortable near someone because I wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
I wouldn't have to convince anyone I know what I'm talking about. 

So fast-forward, I'm driving along a highway, a bit zoned out. I'm on the way to a wedding dress appointment. I enjoy driving, usually with someone chatting on a podcast or me being able to categorise the many thoughts in my head. 
I overtook a car, thinking nothing of it. 
The same car then overtook me. I looked beside it because the car was slowing down, travelling at the same pace as me despite being in the overtaking lane. The driver waved to me, sped up, indicated in front of me, and slowed down. The male next to him just looked at me. I felt wildly uncomfortable. I was sitting behind this driver, in the safety of my car, feeling incredibly unsafe. In my head, I was quickly trying to work out if I knew his face from somewhere, but I didn't. This wasn't a person I had met before. I indicated from behind him and started speeding up to overtake; I didn't want to look, but I did. Just as I overtook him, he blew me a kiss. I felt repulsed. This man knew nothing about me, no understanding that I'm gay, a mum and on my way to being fitted for a wedding dress. I said out loud to him, to myself, to all the men, "It's men like you". However, I was the only one who heard. 

A week ago, I had to go to the chemist's after dark. I was standing at the checkout, and five young men were in the same chemist, causing a scene. They started to leave at the same time as me; I slowed down to walk behind them, knowing I was more in control if I could see them, but still feeling incredibly vulnerable. I then detoured to Woolworths, and the same thing happened: the five young men swearing, drawing attention, and I slowed down to walk behind them. 

I see an old friend; he kisses me on the cheek to say hello while cuddling me. It makes me feel uneasy. On saying goodbye, he gives me a peck on the lips with a cuddle. I messaged them later, asking if he could please not do this in the future. He tells me it is my fault; I am making him sound like a monster. Through my being happy to see him and walking over to say hello, it was permission. I should have been less excited if I wanted to avoid that action.

I have had walls hit beside my head to scare me, I've had men get angry at me for turning them down, and I've had men blame me for their actions. I've had men man-splain to me things I already knew. I've been catcalled, had comments made on my clothing, and told I've looked a certain way because of the skin I'm showing. I've been sworn at by males in public and had to stand up for myself. I was scared walking down the street, and my heart skipped a beat when a car slowed beside me. And at the worst, I've been sexually assaulted. I've had a restraining order for my and my children's protection. I've had to convince people I'm not making it up, and I've had to convince myself I'm not making it up, that I'm not ridiculous.
And at this moment, writing the above, I'm scared of the men reading this; what are they thinking? "I bet she's overreacting, making it up, and being paranoid." Will they even believe me? 

It is no wonder a TikTok commented on the Bear Vs Man debate: "You know, I would rather it be a bear because if the bear attacks me, and I make it out of the woods, everybody's gonna believe me and have sympathy for me," she said. "But if a man attacks me and I make it out, I'm gonna spend my whole life trying to get people to believe me and have sympathy for me."

The vulnerability I feel as a woman is becoming progressively worse. Having used to run at night or early in the morning, I am now scared of the dark. I don't want to be, but I can't help it. After the Bondi stabbings, I ran on my lunch break; ahead of me were some men, and I thought, "This could be my moment; it could be any female's moment."
Now I'm scared of walking from my car to the chemist at 7:30 p.m. because I don't know what could happen. 
Wrong place, wrong time. 

It's a narrative I see daily on my screen: violence against women. Currently, there is no end in sight.
Fifty-two women this year have died by violence (at the time of my writing this). 
One woman had a bag tied around her head and was found in a Melbourne river. 
Another woman wrapped in plastic bags. 
A woman was found in a wheelie bin. 
Another was stabbed to death. 
Multiple hit by cars. 
House fires, stabbings, brutal attacks, car fires.
 
I don't know how to address this because I worry about backlash from men. We often hear the narrative of not all men, but mostly men. And while no, it's not all men, this issue has been stained with the title violence against women. This title has made a female issue. 
Violence against women makes it sound like this is the woman's fault. 
Had she left, had she reported, hadn't worn that outfit, hadn't said the wrong thing, this would have never happened. The heaviness of this situation falls on the woman's shoulders to act better, be better, say nicer things, and be polite. 
It doesn't fall on the men to not punch, raise a fist, or their voice and control their rage. There is no emphasis on men changing but on women changing. And instead of teaching men how to be more respectful, we are building more support systems for women and children to flee to. 
Instead of addressing the real issue, women are offered advice on what to do to elevate men's aggression.
Instead of their being an actual, profound, systematic change, we bandaid the women who are battered and bruised, killed by their husbands, partners, colleagues, and exes. Those who have their egos hurt or injured. 
And for an issue that belongs to men, I wish I saw more men rising. To this day, I only see one or two men post about men's violence towards women on social media (these are men who have dedicated pages to women who have been murdered in gender-based violence). The rest are women, women saying we've had enough, women saying we are scared, women saying this isn't okay. I wish there were more men, the men who, in private, say it's not all men. I'm not like that; I love the females in my life." In public, though, they do nothing to show outrage or protect women despite having wives, daughters, and mothers. Do nothing to call out other men when they see them doing the wrong thing, treating partners poorly, catcalling a female, making jokes about women in the kitchen, or why there isn't an international Men's Day (by the way, there is, as if every day isn't international men's day, but the official day is November 19th)? Why are these men, who care so much, not calling out other men when they can't take no for an answer or crack the shits when a woman stands her ground?
Do these men not understand that being silent about an issue is allowing an issue?

And yet, it's not completely uncommon to see a woman defending another woman against a man. It's not unusual for women to call out unacceptable behaviour or be the voice for voiceless women. I have stood up for women before, telling men to back off. My fiancee has stuck up for women before in protecting them. I have had females protect me before. On nights out, we've had special cues to show our friends when to come and get us when we're uncomfortable, and the word "no" isn't enough.

Men hurting women isn't a women's issue; it's a men's issue. 

Unfortunately, this goes beyond anything I can say because it's not up to me. I can't do anything, and no female should have to do anything. It's mostly men (yes, not always, but mostly), so it's men who should be rising. Men sit in high power and make policies; if the men in low places make a noise, it will cause a change. On a deeper level, and this letter could go on for days, the policymakers, the law, and the courts don't protect women. Restraining orders are just a sheet of paper and a challenge to those who want to cause harm. 

But should I ever sit in a room where the conversation comes up again of what I would do if I were a man for a day, here is what I would do. 
I would call out other men and tell them what they are doing is not okay. 
I would tell other men that making a scene, waving, or blowing a kiss isn't okay.
I would tell men to walk on the other side of the street in the morning or at night when it's dark so women feel safe. 
I would tell other men to try to walk in front of a woman so she has more control over the situation.
I would tell other men not to expect a woman to step out of the way but to step out of the way for her. 
I would tell women that they deserve to be safe. 
I would post on social media about men's violence and tell everyone this isn't a female issue. 
I would teach my son how to be respectful. 
I wouldn't be offended and try to defend myself by saying not all men, but I understand why this is the case. 
I would give women their space and move away in the shop, on the street, wherever. 
I would consistently intervene when women aren't being treated well. 
I wouldn't flirt with women. 
If I wanted to touch a woman, I would seek her consent. Even if she were a friend, I would check to ensure she wanted a hug. 
I would educate myself, research, ask women what I could do better, read books and articles, and listen to podcasts. 
I would take responsibility for my emotions and not blame a female for my behaviour.
I wouldn't put women down but build them up. I would shut down sexist and derogatory jokes. 
I would believe women when they tell me how they feel and what's happened to them.  

I'm not a man, though; I am not the one who can make change. But I'll keep encouraging the men around me to do more, hoping they will one day.