|
Alexis, I have a new letter ready for you... but I need you to read this before you read this. On Sunday I ‘ran’ #tripletop It is literally the most gruelling thing my body has ever faced. If I had of known, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have done it. Had there had been an opt out point, I would have taken it. I’ve never had that feeling before. Ever. I’ve never felt weaker or more vulnerable during a run. Don’t be fooled by this photo.  This event made me think of other runs I have been in. Alexis, I’ve been blessed... At so many start lines I’ve had someone to wave goodbye to. The same goes for finish lines; someone to wave hello to. People have waited, for my dream to be complete. I have had encouraging message, before, during and after. Although I find myself alone on courses, I am enveloped in love and encouragement. I am a runner because of the people around me. Yes, I take pride in what I have taught my body to do, but I am not so proud to say I could have done it by myself. I know my capacity, I know I couldn’t have. I was reminded again during this run of how important it is to include others in your journey. I can honestly say I would not have finished had I not had someone at my finish line. Or my start. Someone who drove for hours, to wait for hours, to drive for hours again. Someone who let me call him with tears streaming down my face when it was just too fucking hard. We all have a someone, at the least. Some people have a few “someone’s”. We need our someone/s. I was reminded again that the journey isn’t meant to be a solo one, that we are stronger when we have people with us. We are all at our weakest when we are standing in the fog of insolation and loneliness. Just as people rescue you from loneliness, rescue them. Just as they wait at your finish line as you embark on your journey, wait at theirs. When you fail them say sorry and try harder next time. Just as they spur you on, return the same to them. Your greatest achievements are not a solo act. Don’t have so much pride that you can’t recognise that! This is what was missing. This is one of your most important life lessons. Okay, you can read now Alexis, I hate meeting new psychologists. In the first 5 minutes you have to decide if the relationship is going to work, if you’ll gel and get along. This decision must be made quickly because you’re about to download a whole lot of thoughts, feelings and information and you don’t want to just hand it all over to the wrong person. Nor do you want to have to download the conversation unnecessarily. So, when my last psychologist ‘broke up’ with me to move back to Launceston, I went through a severe case of abandonment. I joked to Nanny, “not even a professional can deal with my shit, so she left”, but deep down I was frustrated by the situation. We had just started making some really good progress. She gave me the name of someone else, but how could I start all over again? I know the process of talking through everything. It’s a slow process and I didn't want to go through it again. It wasn't that I wasn't up for it, it was more that I couldn't be bothered. Despite my abandonment issues, I felt mostly okay. I was having more good days than bad ones. My crying was isolated to Grey’s Anatomy, random sad parts of children’s TV shows, and moments of actual sadness. I didn’t even cry when I was in Woolworths, while I was trying to figure out what to have for dinner. I no longer had moments where anxiety glued me to the seat of my car for 40 minutes before going into a café to get a coffee. I didn’t even need to give myself a pep-talk. I was able to just get up and walk in, like a regular human being. I was even feeling motivated again. I was running and spending more time outside. I even (finally) finished my study. I was like a new person, and let me tell you Alexis, new people don’t need a psychologist… It was then that I took stock, and I thought about my trigger points and the times of the year where I feel vulnerable. I knew one of those times was coming up. I also spoke to a sounding board who told me that even though I felt good now, it’s still important to know how to deal with the bad times when they arise. Point taken. Anyway… I hate meeting new psychologists. It’s just really bloody draining. But I went, and we spoke, and it felt right. I spoke. A lot. Which isn't completely unusual. I couldn't say everything, but what I could say, I did. And the hour finished quickly, too quickly. “Kate”, she said, “for homework tell me three things you’ve learnt in all of this. In fact, can you write them down?” Can I write them down? That I can do. But to narrow it down to three. I knew she had a lot to learn about me, so I thought, and thought some more. And I came up with some pretty good life lessons, like:
Buuuut, none of them seemed life changing, or helpful. And then I ran, and all made sense with the world. Lesson One: The world will survive without you I wrote a post, way back when I had only just started #adddressedtoalexis, when its existence belonged on Instagram alone, when blogging hadn’t even crossed my mind. It’s funny how you have a past and it all seems so foggy, but while you’re making your way through the fog, figuring out what happened and where, you might come across a single, clear memory. You can’t figure out why it’s clear or important, but apparently it is. This was one of those moments. On the day I wrote this letter we were living with Nanny and Pa. I was at a point where I despised my existence, feeling as though I had failed in every way possible. I woke and quickly decided I was wasn’t leaving my bed. I kept the blinds closed and laid there. I fell back to sleep and when I finally woke again, I didn’t move. The room was dull and grey. The sun peeked through the gaps in my curtains to offer some hope, but it just wasn’t enough. Even self-injury felt like effort on this particular day. I looked at my phone. Notifications alerted me to the people who cared and reminded me of the world that I would eventually have to let in again. Instead of replying to their messages, I wrote a letter.  Gorgeous Alexis, Today we're talking emotions. Lex, some days when you're older, you will feel tired, you will feel sad, you will want to give up, your heart will be heavy, your head will hang low, your feet will drag. You will want to crawl back into bed and not face the day. Those days that should be full of colour and life, will look dark. And that's okay. Curl up. Go to sleep and rest. Rest your heart and head and thoughts and body. Recognise that your emotional health is just as important as your physical. Just don't stay in bed every day. And don't rest every time you are feeling sad. You still need to kick arse and push yourself. But when you are at your lowest, it's okay. It's okay to say that you need help. It's okay to cry and not know why. It's okay to binge on TV. Or go for a big run. Or sit in a cafe and crochet. It's okay to go into self-preservation mode. It's okay to text someone and ask them to text you through the day, just to talk about pointless things. You shouldn't stay in bed forever, because this world needs you. But because this world needs you, they will survive for a day, while you are learning to survive. Because you do matter, treat yourself like you matter. Look after your mind. Treat it well, because it is fragile. Sometimes you'll feel like you don't have control over your own mind. On those days, ask for help. Ask for cuddles. And hair strokes. Take care of yourself, and know that others will want to help take care of you too. I love you, Alexis, and I want you to have a strong mind. But on the days when you need to hear the truth aloud or you need some extra encouragement, I'll be laying right beside you, telling you that your mind is strong and so are you! I will tell you that you are capable and able. That you are loved. That you have a beautiful future. And I will remind you of all the good in your life. I will also remind you on the good days, so you'll remember on the bad ones. I love you more than I thought was humanly possible. More than I thought I was capable of loving. I'll always be on your side! X This letter to you was my only achievement that day. For the remainder of the day, I offered nothing to society, nothing to friends or family, or you. I didn’t reply to messages. I didn’t answer phone calls. I just laid there. I turned oxygen into carbon dioxide and that was it.
The next day, when I woke and rolled out of bed, everything was normal. I replied to messages, I got ready and I started the day as I usually did. The lesson I learnt from this was that the world keeps going, even when I don’t. And on every mental health day since, the world continues to move. It spins, it turns, people get up, they show up, and they continue to do so even if you don’t. At first thought it’s comforting, because you know that you aren’t needed every moment of every day. The world can get by without you. The only people who need you are your people. To society as a whole - you're just not that important. No one is that important. Just don't think about that too much because this thought can become incredibly discouraging. If you think about it too much it can diminish your self-worth. It's nice though, that society can survive without you, while you remember how to survive. And those people that need you, they can, and will survive for a single day. You can't give what you don't have. If people need and want your love and time, when you don't have any for yourself, they’ll need to wait for you to recharge. Lexi, you will need to learn how to survive. Don’t discredit survival. Sometimes surviving is more difficult than living. It is incredibly tiring when you are treading water in the deep end, trying not to drown. Although it’s difficult, learning to survive in the deep end allows you to live every facet of life. Don’t despise the days, weeks, and months spent learning to survive. This time will allow you to move forward, and to move forward sometimes you need a day or two in bed. Know this, though, you can't ever give up. You can just survive for a few days at a time and then you need to keep moving forward. Lexi, on the days that you can, the world will continue. And, on the days that you can't, the world will continue. On the days you can't, those days when the weight of the world is on your shoulders, know that the world isn't depending on you for its survival. Take comfort in that. Lesson two: Don't compare your run to another person’s run It's amazing how often running metaphors transfer into life lessons. You go for a run. While you're running, instead of zoning out and finding your pace, you start looking at your watch. You don’t look at how far you’ve come but instead start looking at how fast your running. Frustration sets in. Your mind wanders off to how fast other people are running. Bloody Strava. You compare your pace with another runner’s, or you compare your run to your PB, and you're disappointed because you're not as fast, or you didn't go as far. Alexis, as soon as you compare yourself with another person, you discredit not only what you do, but more sadly, who you are. Someone once asked me what it meant for me to have a good run. I told them that I'm as envious of the person who comes last as I am of the person who comes first. The one who comes first has trained so hard, so bloody hard. And they finished strong. It’s easy to be jealous of them and how fast they move. Then I think of the hours of training, the tears, the early mornings, stretching and injuries. The sacrificing of time with family and friends. The person who comes first deserves it. I'm envious of their discipline, of their commitment. Then there is the person who comes last. Everyone else has gone home, celebrating their finish. Their medals sit on their chest, proving to the world what they have achieved. And yet, while that is happening there is a person who is still out there, who is cursing having taken on this run. This person is still on a track, battling with a mind that has tried to make them quit over and over. I know this feeling. No, I’ve never come last. Yet I know how it feels when the course seems so unforgiving and unending. When I run, I can be so proud, yet so disappointed with myself. So encouraging, yet so harsh. All runners, all people, face the comparison game. However, didn’t all of the runners achieve the same distance? Didn’t they all run the same path? Maybe their timing was different, but didn’t they start with the same starting gun and finish at the same finishing line? The finish line belongs as much to the person who crosses it first, as it does to the one who crosses it last. The one who comes last deserves as much applause as the one who came first. 10km is 10km, no matter how long it takes. It is not about your finishing time or your pace, but instead about how you felt during it. When I ask someone about their run, I intentionally ask, "how did you feel during it?" If I run fast, but with a terrible mindset, to me it’s a run that I've failed. If I run slowly, but enjoyed the journey, that is a successful run. Remember that another person might be in the middle of a sprint, while you are running a marathon. You can’t compare the two. I approach a 10km run very differently to how I would a marathon. Keep your focus in mind, and encourage others with their focus. There was a moment earlier in the year, when I was at the 15km Cadbury half marathon and some of the marathon runners were heading back, for what must have been their second lap of the course. I looked at one of them and thought about how strong they must have been to carry their body for 42.2km. When I ran my marathon a few months later, at an incredibly weak point I thought back to these runners. I had become one of the people who had inspired me. It was in this moment that I chose to not think about how quickly others moved. I chose not to think of the people who had already crossed the finish line, and instead focused on my run and my mind. It’s so easy to compare what we have (or more commonly what we don’t have) to what others have. Who we are, to who others are. Our existence to the existence of those around us. We even compare where we are at, to where we think we should be. We view our lives and the lives of others and we only see how we fail. We look at how fast they are moving and how strong they seem. Instead of enjoying our journey, we remove our own purpose and worth through comparison. Alexis, don't discredit your efforts because you move differently to how someone else moves. Also, when you compare yourself to another it takes away their achievements and how well they’ve done, this happens because you can’t genuinely be happy for someone you compare yourself too. Alexis, don’t judge your failures by another’s highlight reel – you will always come up short and be disappointed with who you are. We are all created uniquely and because of this we are better at some things and not as good at others. We are not weaker, we are not lazier, we are just different. It's bloody cliched, but… Alexis, be the person you are inspired by. Don't discredit your journey (or existence) by being so busy looking at how others are moving, how they are existing. Their existence belongs to them. Let yours belong to you, and don’t downplay it. Lesson three: The five-minute rule You have five minutes. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Now recoup. It goes like this. When I'm running, and it’s really shit and I'm hating life, I say to myself, "5 more minutes, you've got 5 more minutes left in you". Usually by the end of the 5 minutes, I'm fine. I’ve completely forgotten that 5 minutes ago I was struggling. If I’m still struggling, I say, "well, you've just done 5 minutes, you can do 5 more. You've run for 5 minutes so many times before. You know how to keep going for 5 minutes." I apply the rule to a lot of things. When I'm feeling angry, I give myself 5 minutes. I say, "Kate, you've got 5 minutes to feel, then decide your next move. This will not consume you." So, I'm angry for 5 minutes, or sad for 5 minutes, or whatever the emotion is, and then I decide what my next move will be. Will I be angry for 5 minutes more? Sometimes I need 5 more minutes to feel, sometimes I’m ready to move on. I haven't always had the five-minute rule. At one point, I decided I didn't want feelings of hurt to consume or define me, and for that to happen I needed to make conscious decisions. So, I give myself a short amount of time to feel what I'm feeling and then it's time to take stock and decide on my next move. The point is - take stock. I know that I am highly emotional, and I know that when I'm not in control of my emotions, my emotions control me. The five-minute rule allows for me to be in control of my next move. It means my life becomes intentional, rather than accidental. Lesson four: Don't give up on the incline Annnnnd I know it was only meant to be three things, but this one is important. In lesson #1, I said, "Know this, though, you can't ever give up. You can just survive for a few days at a time and then you need to keep moving forward." Again, back to running. When I'm struggling in a run it's almost always on an incline. Inclines are hard, they’re tiring, and they use the muscles we aren't used to using. I know that I can run a flat for a long time, and on the downhill there is a feeling of freedom as you speed up with ease. On the incline, though, sometimes without even thinking I’ll just start walking. It's so weird. One minute I'll be running, the next I won't be. There isn't any pre-thought, I just start walking. Here is my theory about the incline. When we stop on the incline, we don’t stop to rest. We stop to give up. We lose sight of our focus on the incline, especially when we don’t know where the top is. When we know where the top is, we’re more likely to keep moving because we know when we’ll be able to rest, and that rest will be both intentional and well earned. We are more likely to save our rest for our mountain top moments. That moment where we know the climb wasn’t in vain. Alexis, when times are tough don't give up!! Don't stop moving on the incline, it's too hard to get moving again. Inclines are where your muscles grow. Trust me, once you’ve conquered an incline once, it’ll be so much easier should you ever have to tackle it again. It’s a thought that I have when I’m running up a hill. “I know I’ve got this,” I’ll say to myself, “I know this hill and this climb and I’m not worried”. It’s the incline that I don’t know, the ones I haven’t yet faced, that scare me. Yes, it’s hard work, and tiring, and overwhelming, but keep moving. When you don't want to move - move, move, move and move some more. Even if it's slowly. Just don't stop when it's tough, or you'll never get started again. Yes, you need to rest, but don't give up. You can rest when you get to the top of that struggle. You can then enjoy the view and enjoy the freedom of the downhill. I feel like maybe I’ve wasted your time today, Alexis. Maybe I can delete all of this and instead of 3 life lessons, I could condense it down to only 3 words. Just keep moving. Or maybe 6 words. Whatever you do, just keep moving.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
May 2025
|
RSS Feed
