Love Bombing, Red Flags, Gaslighting... and Restraining Orders.

"When he ran past me at Burnie 10, he bumped into me, enough to frighten me. 
​               Message received after the event "I didn't mean to scare you or piss you off by running past and saying hello. I was just going to run past and not say anything, but that would have been rude! It doesn't always have to be like this"
​-Excerpt from the AVO

​Sometimes bringing up the past is so triggering, but I don't feel triggered anymore. I am no longer scared of the person I am about to write about, but I was. I was terrified of him, though I tried to never let on just how much he was impacting me. I would joke about it to friends, telling them I pitied him and that he was annoying me. The truth was that he wasn't just annoying me. He was scaring me. Ending up standing in front of a judge, crying and shaking, indicated just how scared I was of him.
"Can I please have 12 months?" I responded when the judge asked how long I wanted the restraining order to last. He looked at me, with comfort in his eyes and sincerity in his voice, "Kate, I think you and your daughter need two years away from him. He will be able to last 12 months and then contact you again. After two years, hopefully, he will be completely over it."
I deeply regretted ever letting him into my life. I’ve made some poor choices in the past, but this one was different. This time my poor judgment of character impacted you—until him, my poor choices had only ever impacted me.
I left the small courtroom and walked into the sunlight. I could finally breathe for the first time in 2.5 years. The sun hit me and I let it warm my heart, which had frozen over in order to protect itself.

"He called on my daughter's birthday, asking to speak to her... He asked me why he wasn't invited to her party, but other male friends were... I felt uncomfortable that he felt as though he had the right to talk to her when he wasn't a significant person in her life and had only been around for a minimal amount of time."
-Excerpt from the AVO

Alexis, for you to fully understand what happened, we need to go back and start at the beginning.
We met on Tinder. I don’t remember swiping right when we matched. I guess I had a swipe right happy moment. He said "hello", and I said "hello" back.
I don't remember the conversation we had. I don't remember why I even met up with him. I probably thought it would be just sex and nothing else. I remember picking him up from his house for the first time and going to the café down the road.
There was nothing about him that attracted me, nothing that held my attention, yet there we were setting up another catch-up.

I say these memories don't trigger me and they don't—but, fuck, I have some serious regrets.
I wish I had understood what red flags were when I met him, but I didn't. I hadn't even heard of the terms ‘red flags’, ‘gaslighting’ and ‘love bombing’. I didn’t know that every time these things were happening, and I allowed them, he was metaphorically wrapping ropes around my wrists, hands, mouth, heart and mind, all in an attempt to control me.

His insults still ring in my head; when I would make an effort to look nice, he would tell me I looked like a slut. He told me I was unlovable, that I would never be able to find someone else. He would say I was a shit human, a cunt and a terrible mother. He knew my deepest insecurities, even without me ever telling him about them, and he would use them against me in his moments of anger.
In my worst moments, I hear the echoes of his voice in my head.

"He sent anonymous flowers to my house. It made me feel unsafe, knowing he remembered my address, and these flowers were a way of reminding me. He later told me they were from him, but I suspected this when they arrived"
​-Excerpt from the AVO

People say things happen for a reason, but I don't know what lesson I was meant to learn or why he had to come into my life.
Maybe I had to learn about red flags. To me, a red flag is any action that sits uncomfortably in your stomach. Your mind can think its way out of anything, making excuses for poor behaviour, and your heart rises and falls with emotions depending on what you’re presented with. Your stomach and your intuition, they will never lie to you.
Maybe I had to learn about my value as a person.
Maybe I had to learn to become a better mum.
I will never thank him, though—not for these lessons, nor for anything else.
Had I known, when my stomach started knotting, that this was my body telling me I was in danger, I would have left sooner. It took four months for me to leave the relationship, but another year and a half to get rid of him.

"He would make excuses for his behaviour, saying things like "I was hurt" or that my behaviour had caused him to act like this. I found that he wouldn't take responsibility for his words or actions. I realize now that he has no respect for my wishes or space."
​-Excerpt from the AVO

The relationship started with love bombing--constant messages complimenting me, telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me that I was ‘the one’ and that I was perfect. There was an influx of gifts, money, and dinners where he would pay. He would show up unannounced just because he missed me (now, I know he was just checking on me). He acted like he was saving me; like he was the only one who could pick me up out of the deep hole I was in.
I was flattered; I quickly came to crave the attention he showered me with. It all happened hard and fast; I didn't even know that I should be worried. What he was doing, without my knowing, was claiming ownership over me.

"At the end of the day, you really are a cunt... you make yourself out to be the best person, but you really are the greatest cunt! Christianity and slut are the same things to you."
-Excerpt from a message received from him

Before long, his anger started leaking through the cracks. He would blow up at something I did or said. He would call me names, yell and send abusive messages. I would confront him and remind him that no matter what I had done, I deserved respect. He would tell me it was my fault, that his behaviour was because of me.
The gaslighting started just as quickly as the love bombing. He would say I was crazy, that I was the one in the wrong, that my feelings were invalid. The argument would only end when I finally apologized for making him lash out, agreeing that it had been my fault. I still carry this with me. Even though I know better, I still blame myself when people don't like me. I still blame myself when people lash out at me.
The red flags, however, littered the whole relationship. Saying "I love you" after only three weeks of knowing me. Finding him scrolling through my phone two months into our relationship. Buying you gifts, and telling me that you were already like his daughter. Begging me to get pregnant and marry him. The endless stream of phone calls. Eventually, I started to ignore them, but he would keep calling. Five missed phone calls, then ten, then twenty-five. I silenced his calls and this allowed me to start silencing him.
The knots became tighter in my stomach, and the breath he had once given me through love bombing was being sucked out of me. I started to listen to the knots and I knew I couldn’t ignore them any longer.

"I went to the Republic Bar to see Vera Blue; he was there and approached me, again dismissing my wish for space. He started to become angry and started prying into my personal life, asking if I was seeing one of his friends. He asked me if I had slept with him, continuing with, "oh course you have, you fucking slut" He progressively became more worked up, telling me I was fake, a shit mum, and an attention seeker. He told me I was the evilest person he had ever met and that I was a manipulative cunt. By this point, I felt uneasy and unsettled. I so badly wanted someone to step in and come to my aide, but no one did, despite them watching on. I felt vulnerable and at-risk in his presence. As I got up to leave, he put his hand on my leg and said, "baby, just one more kiss to say goodbye". I was hurt, disgusted, felt cheap, and was embarrassed and ashamed of my person. Throughout the night he pushed, grabbed and bumped into me, causing me to stand in front of a friend to create a barrier. I couldn't relax because I was so worried about his unpredictable behaviour, I left early."
-Excerpt from the AVO

I went to the mainland for a birthday party and the phone calls and abusive messages rolled in. "Why the fuck aren't you answering me?", "Who the fuck are you sleeping with?", "I knew you were a fucking slut". Then a change of tone, "Baby, I'm sorry. I don't mean it. I love you. But if you answered your phone, I wouldn’t have to lash out."
Finally, I answered and said, "I need you to know that I'm done with you and this relationship. I'm blocking your number. Don't get in touch with me."
But even though it was over for me, it wasn't over for him.
He would get in touch in other ways; by using his family’s and apprentice's phones, by sending flowers to my parents, by buying and emailing concert tickets. He would be at running events like Burnie 10, Point to Pinnacle. He would physically bump into me, forcing me to acknowledge him. He was constantly reminding me that he wasn't going anywhere.
Streams of abuse flowed into my emails and messages. He knew where I lived, he knew my phone number, my email address. He knew where you were starting school. I would show up to an event and he would be there, waiting to abuse me.
I was sitting outside a bar with a friend, having a drink and smoking, and there he was—yelling at me, confronting me and putting me down.
I didn't want to go out because of the risk that I might see him; I didn't want to go to events because I was sure he would be there. I was hiding from doing the things I loved because fear filled my heart.
I saw a parcel in the post and I knew, without even looking, that it was from him. For a moment, I broke and opened it. Inside the parcel was a certificate for a star that was named after me, and a $100 gift voucher for you. I promptly posted it back to him. There was no letter from me included, just a return to sender sticker.
I walked into the court office and told them I needed to apply for a restraining order. I had screenshotted, typed and printed everything out. I sat on my bed with paper littered everywhere and I carefully relived it all, writing down how I felt after every message, every interaction, every email. I wrote about my fear. I wrote about wanting freedom, and peace, and not knowing how to get it.

" The final gift I received from him said this, "In my true style, I've left you with a parting gift. I thought, what can I buy her that she can't set fire to, throw out, take back and will be with her always? A star. I know you'll hate it because it's from me, but every time you look up at the starts, you'll be reminded of the asshole you once dated."
​
I felt this was his way of telling me he would always be in control. That he can name things after me, disguise it as kindness, but it's his way of flexing his power. It scares me that he keeps posting things to my address. For me, this present is breaking point. It became too much, and every time he says it's the last time he'll contact, it never is. He'll always find a new way, and that scares me. 

He scares me"
-Excerpt from the AVO

Alexis, don't ignore your body and what it's telling you. Don't ignore things that make you feel uncomfortable. If you think someone is treating you badly, they are treating you badly. Don't make excuses for others poor behaviour, don't settle, and don't let yourself be talked down to.
You are better off being alone than being with someone who breaks your spirit.
And if, at any point, someone tells you that you are unlovable and that they are the only person who could love you, they are wrong. I will always love you; you will always be loved.
If someone tells you that your scars are ugly, they're wrong. They are beautiful because they are part of your story and have helped you to become who you are.
Don’t let anyone destroy your peace.
Don’t let anyone damage your mental health.
Don’t let anyone dull your spirit.

Him - I really hope you can lose the hate and forgive me one day. You don't need to be so mean towards me because I was towards you.
​
Reply - If you message me again in any way, I will be going to the police. This isn't you trying to make things right; this is harassment. I don't want any contact, leave me alone!
-Excerpt from the AVO of communication between us