The Art of Saying Sorry

Sweet Alexis,

Lets start with another story and then learn together.

​I needed to get out of the house. I wanted a relaxing outing, so I went for a walk through Salamanca Markets with your brother in his pram. Despite COVID-19 still hanging around like an unwanted guest, it felt like a normal overcrowded market. There were people everywhere. It was slow moving. “Sorry,” I heard myself say as I tried to weave the pram in and around other market goers. “Sorry, excuse me.” Time and time again these words left my lips.
When Solomon had gone to bed for the night, I reflected on the day with the word sorry ringing in my ears.
I stood in the shower, water running over me, and I thought about why I had apologised to all those people. They weren’t apologising to me. They were just going about their day, enjoying themselves, probably not giving me a second thought. I wonder if they had even noticed that I was in their way. I wonder if they even understood my apology. I wasn’t the only person trying to get through; the markets were crowded and everyone was moving slowly. So, why did I feel the need to say sorry?
Where did this need to say sorry (even when I’m not) come from?
Let’s start at what I think is the beginning—I was born female. I think this is something that males need to hear.
Alexis, last year you were attacked by another student at school. A male student. You were held up against a wall while he threated to kill you. This, however, was not your first encounter with him. There were times when he punched you, pushed you, and verbally abused you (and your female peers). I spent a lot of time in the school, working through strategies suggested by your teacher and the senior staff. They would say things to me like, “Alexis was in the way”, “Alexis can sometimes be bossy, which is frustrating for him”, “Alexis knows not to go near him when it’s a busy time because that’s when he is triggered”. Despite where it should clearly lay, the blame fell upon your shoulders.
And this is where it starts. It’s starts when we are young. For girls, the way other people treat us is our fault, rather than theirs. So we start apologising for all the things that are ‘wrong’ with us, even though there is nothing wrong at all. And it becomes a habit; the more we say sorry to others for who we are, the more it drip feeds guilt and shame into our hearts and minds, reinforcing that everything is our fault. It’s our fault they yelled at us, hit us or attacked us.
Having learnt this, we start to apologise for other thing we do, we apologise for making honest mistakes, we apologise for asking questions, we apologise for things that are completely out of our control; things that don’t warrant an apology at all. Saying sorry not only makes us think less of ourselves, but it can also encourage others to think less of us.
I’ve said sorry for the way I look, for not wearing make-up, for choosing to wear comfortable clothes. I’ve said sorry for trying to get a waiters attention (“Uh, excuse me, sorry, can I please…”). I’ve apologised for having a messy house. I’ve apologised for being tired, even though I have 2 children and work and study and exercise.
Then I met a person who made me feel bad for everything I did, every word I spoke, every thought I had. When I communicated how I felt with them, he disregarded what I felt; he told me my emotions were wrong. He told me that the way he treated me was my fault. I believed him. I apologised for the feelings I felt; I apologised for his treatment of me. I stopped sharing my thoughts and feelings. If what I was feeling wasn’t right, I would keep it to myself. I apologised more and more. Not just for my actions, but for who I was. I was apologising for the very values and ideals I held dear.
Fast forward to me walking through Salamanca with Solomon in the pram…
I wanted to go to Salamanca for a relaxing afternoon, but it wasn’t relaxing at all. I spent the entire time thinking that I was in the way. Years and years and years of apologising have conditioned me. So, as I walked, the shame of taking up space and being in the way overflowed and spilled from my lips.
You’ve always been quick to say sorry. Anytime you do something you think is wrong, you apologise over and over and over. You already carry this shame; this shame that I carry, you have it too.
And I hate to think how many other girls out there are also carrying this shame.
I’ve thought long and hard about the word ‘sorry’. I want to break it down for you; I want you to know when you should and shouldn’t say sorry.



​

"we start apologising for all the things that are ‘wrong’ with us, even though there is nothing wrong at all"

​​​



​Things you should never apologise for:
Taking up space
This includes walking through a busy market. You have every right to be there, to be anywhere, and you should never feel the need to apologise for your existence.
 
Expressing your opinion
Your opinion is the heart and soul of your values, your belief system and who you are. You should never have to apologise for it. Over precious time, opinions are formed and created. The journey you’ve been on to form these values, morals and beliefs is precious. Apologising for your opinion is apologising for who you are as a person and you should never apologise for that.
 
How someone has made you feel
One of my biggest annoyances in life is when someone has the audacity to tell me my feelings are wrong or that they just don’t agree with them. My feeling are not there to be analysed or critiqued by anyone else. They are not there to be dissected or torn apart. My feelings belong to me. However I feel in a situation is right because that is how I feel.
Think about those times that I have used my grumpy voice when speaking to you. Even if I didn’t mean to, if it hurt you then that hurt is real to you and I need to apologise for that.
Our feelings and our emotions are our truth; if they are our truth, they cannot be wrong.
 
Protecting your emotional health
There are times in life where this is going to seem selfish, but you’re going to be in situations where you need to step back because the impact it’s having on your mental health is too much. There are times you’re going to have to say no, because you (and your mental health) are not okay. You don’t need to say sorry for looking after your mental health or for fighting for a healthy mind, body, soul and spirit.



​

​Things you should always apologise for:
​Hurting someone’s heart
One day, you will do or say something hurtful. You might not think any more about it, but the person you said or did it to will continue to dwell on it because it hurt them. If they come to you and tell you about how you made them feel, you have the following options:

• Tell them their feelings are wrong, they are overreacting and that it didn’t even happen like that. (This is called gaslighting and this is never okay. We’ll talk about gaslighting when we talk about red flags, tinder and restraining orders).
• You could say “I’m sorry you feel this way”… but please don’t. I hate this response. You may not realise it but this is you telling them that you disagree with them because their feelings are wrong. You are essentially denying all responsibility for hurting them. Remember, their feelings are just as valid as yours.
• Say to them, genuinely and gently, “I’m very sorry that I made you feel this way. I didn’t intend for my words/behaviour to hurt you but I can see that it has and I never wanted that”. You can ask them to elaborate, so you can empathise with them and build trust with them again. Ask them what you can do differently next time. Your actions hurt their heart and, whether you meant for it to or not, the fact that it did should hurt your heart as a result.

Breaking promises
This one’s a tough one. I believe in caring for yourself first and foremost, but I also think we need to care for others. Care is something you need to both give and receive. If you promise your support to someone, you need to deliver on that.
Sure, cancel a coffee date with a friend if you need rest, but if that friend is going through a hard time and needs wine, chocolate, a couple of ciggies and a cuddle and you’ve said you will be there, you get your booty over there. And if you absolutely can’t be there, you need to offer them a genuine in-person apology. When people are counting on you, when they need you, keep your word. And if you can’t keep it, don’t give them your word.
 
Acting in a spiteful, disrespectful, or unkind way
This one doesn’t need much explaining. Treat people well because they’re people and if you don’t, say sorry. Remember how I mentioned saying sorry over and over drip feeds shame into your mind? Well, being spiteful drip feeds negativity and bitterness into you. The more you act in a spiteful way, the more likely it will become part of your character; it will become your reflex response. So, say sorry because no one deserves to be spoken to like that and say sorry because your heart and mind deserve better than that, too.  
 
To wrap up…

Before you go to say sorry, ask yourself “am I willing to change this action?” I say this because I believe that the word sorry indicates that you intend to change your behaviour or work to fix the problem. When I say that I am sorry for using my grumpy voice, it means that I am genuinely sorry and I will try to do better, to communicate better, to explain myself better. I am saying that this is an action I want to change and self-reflection journey I want to go on. At the markets, though, I wasn’t willing to change my behaviour or fix the problem. As much as I said I was sorry, I clearly wasn’t. I didn’t leave the market or try to find another way through. I didn’t take the pram back to the car and put Solomon in the front pack instead. I continued to move forward, along the same route, looking at the stalls as I walked.
Actions speak louder than words. Saying sorry is useless, empty, and meaningless if it isn’t followed up with action and the intent to change. If you say sorry without action, your apology loses all meaning. Eventually, those you say it to will stop believing that you are sorry. Your apology will mean nothing to them, just as it means nothing to you.

Maybe we can find new phrases that don’t include “sorry”.
Instead of saying sorry for being in the way, we should say “thank you” to people who go around you.
Instead of saying sorry for being late, we should say “thank you for waiting”.
Instead of apologising for having a question, we should ask “can I please have a moment of your time?”
And when a friend supports us, instead of saying “sorry for dumping all of this on you”, we should say “Thank you for listening. Thank you for giving me your time, heart, thoughts and advice.”
Maybe we can stop saying sorry for every little thing.
Remember, you are not an inconvenience. You are not in the way. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to be yourself.

Love you and your wild ways always 💕