The moon is yours

https://images.app.goo.gl/eSuGBrRD81D3FLADA

Oh, my sweet, sweet girl,

It has been a while since I have written to you. The two things that I want to write to you about I have tried to pen in my head, over and over, but I haven’t gotten anywhere. It’s seemed so impossible to even know where to start.
I did write a letter last month. But it wasn’t to you, it was to someone else. I wrote to someone who hurt my heart very badly. When I received that letter back from our editor, I was too scared to open it. Even though I had written it. Bizarre. I decided not to post it, it wasn’t to you and I didn’t want to give that person even an inch of room in the safety of this space.
I also wrote another letter after City to Casino which I haven’t had edited, but I should. I really loved that run with you and how I felt with you out there.

Alexis,

It’s 3.05am and in this moment I feel like our world is about to crumble. I don’t think it actually will, I will never let it fall apart completely. But there will be tremors. Some of the stones will fall and the ground might feel a bit shaky for a while. Earlier I moved a breadboard on the sink and a chain reaction ended with a cup and bowl smashing on the floor. I think a breadboard has just been moved in our lives. It’ll be okay though. I’m pretty good at cleaning and putting things back together. It might take a while but we’ll get there.

I’ve been so sick this week that a 12 hour night of sleep has become the new norm. Tonight, though, I woke up at 12am after falling asleep at 7.50pm. I’ve been awake ever since. You, my love, are fast asleep beside me. You are breathing deeply in your sleep. It’s ridiculous how comforting I find those little noises.
As I lie there watching TED talks about squids, playing some games on my phone and praying in the darkness, I started writing you a letter in my mind.

ALEXIS, STOP WHAT YOUR READING!
Never read another letter. Ignore everything I’ve ever written. I’m a fake. It’s all bullshit – I don’t know a thing. Don’t listen to me about anything. I have no fucking idea about any of this. I will never have any idea and any thought that I might actually know something about anything will just lead to bitter disappointment. SAVE YOURSELF! Go ask someone else.
Love Mum.”

It was not exactly eloquent or well thought out but at least I had written to you. At least I had warned you.
In that moment, I realised that I had been revisited by an old acquaintance.
A few letters ago, I talked to you about my struggle with mental health and my experience with self-harm (https://www.addressedtoalexis.com/blog/u-ok). I told you that Depression comes and goes when it wants. It doesn’t give warnings or phone ahead; it just turns up unannounced. Although there was no room left in my bed with both of us there, it had snuck in and tucked itself in, lying there with us in the darkness of night. It was there within the space of my mind, weighing down on my emotions.
I wasn’t even annoyed when I realised. I smiled because I had caught it in the act. “Hmm, there you are,” I acknowledged it, “I thought our relationship was over.”
I’m not angry or frustrated as I type this, listening to the same song on repeat. I don’t think Depression ever really weakened me. We’re not best friends, but I think there is some sort of strength in realising we’re not enemies either. We just are. We co-exist.
I do wish that Depression would barge through the door, loudly yelling “SURPRISE” when it visits. Instead, it sneaks in and makes me think and feel like I am in the wrong, that I am letting you down, that everything is my fault. I wish it wasn’t on me to catch Depression red-handed.
So, it is late and I am tired, but I’m just not allowed to sleep right now. There is too much happening behind the scenes in this quiet, dark room.

Alexis – I need you to know that you don’t need to be sorry for anything that goes on in the lives of the grown-ups around you. None of it is your fault, none of it is because of you.
You are desperately loved.
In both your homes – you are loved without question.
And you are loved by God. I don’t talk much about God in these letters, even though I used to talk about God a lot. I guess I don’t always know how. I know this, though. If you should ever not feel loved, look to the father who created all of this magnificence for you.
Although life is unpredictable, the love we have for you is constant – actually, maybe that is sightly unpredictable too, as it grows immeasurably deeper every day.
You are safe. Even when the ground is shaking and the walls crumble, you are safe. My arms might not be vast but my love for you stretches forever and I will always keep you safe.
You are not forgotten. No matter what comes or goes. You are not forgotten or abandoned, nor will you ever be.
You are not weak – sadness doesn’t make you weak or immature. You might feel weak, but you’re not.
And, remember, always be in awe, baby. We know we have lost something that truly matters when we are no longer in awe of the stars and the seas.

So, Alexis,
May you feel the deepest feelings,
Do not run; stand,
Raise your arms.
The deepest feelings,
Are our greatest privilege
They cannot be taken by any other.
People come,
People go.
Seasons change,
The tide rises, falls
They leave,
They come,
But your heart,
It stays.
Never leaving,
Always feeling,
As sure as the sun rises
And sets so stunningly,
So, we feel.

So, sleep now, my sweet girl, while your innocence allows you to rest.
And, one day, when you do lie awake and realise that Depression is lying there beside you, smile at it. Tell it that, for now, it can exist. You won’t feed it or water it, but it’s not your enemy. It will not weaken you. This is a not a battle, this is life and it happens how it will.
You tell it, baby, you tell Depression that it can steal your happiness, but not your joy. That’s yours.
Tell it, it can steal your time, but not your precious moments.
Tell it, it can invade your night and your day, but the moon and the stars and the sun, they are yours.
Tell it, it cannot invite anyone else over. You will not entertain any of Depression’s friends. You do not have any room for Self-Doubt, or Anxiety, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Anger, Jealousy or Hate.
You tell Depression that you will choose to spend your time with Self-Care and Sunlight and Fresh Air. You tell Depression that your time will be spent entertaining Peace and Kindness and Gentleness.
If Depression wants to stay with you, it will have to learn how to live according to your rules. It will have to fend for itself, feed itself, make its bed and clean up after itself.
Tell depression that it can co-exist with Peace and, if it’s going to stay with you, it’s going to learn how.

Always be in awe, baby.
We know we have lost the battle when we are no longer in awe of the stars and the sea (https://www.addressedtoalexis.com/blog/the-heart)

Let’s buy a telescope. And a boat!

Yours forever x