What to Expect Part 2

Alexis,

In movies, when a woman does a pregnancy test, they wee on the stick and then turn a timer on. They always make it seem like it takes the full 3 – 5 minutes for the result to show up. It doesn’t always work like that. In real life, or at least when I was pregnant with you, I didn’t even have the chance to blink before those 2 pink lines showed up. And they weren’t faint pink lines, they were bold and bright. Exactly like you. The next 20 tests did the same thing. I’m not sure why it took so many tests to convince me. Shock maybe? I’m sure I kept the pregnancy test industry in business for about 4 months with the number of tests I purchased.

The second I found out about you, I prayed for you daily. But I didn’t just pray for the baby in my tummy, I prayed for the son in there. Yes, I thought you were a boy. I was convinced you were. In saying that, I also believed you were missing a limb. I’m not sure why. When the 20-week scan rolled around, I was surprised that you were a girl but I was also relieved that you had 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms and 2 legs.

For my whole pregnancy, I was deeply worried about you. I was worried about your health, worried that you wouldn’t survive. I think my worry took away some of the joy of being pregnant. It was true that this was unchartered territory for me, but I also think my worry proved where my mind and heart were at. I never felt maternal or like I would be a good mother. Sure, I played with dolls growing up but, the older I grew, the less I thought about it. Some people are natural mothers; I didn’t believe my heart could love someone like that.

You proved me wrong.

My pregnancy and birth with you were both beautiful. You made pregnancy easy. My only issue was retaining water everywhere. I looked like a puffy balloon by the end of my pregnancy. And, as I’ve mentioned many times before, your birth was straight forward. I remember the moment you engaged and dropped. I was walking through a school after a breakfast program and, suddenly, walking wasn’t an option, I had to waddle.
My first contraction with you was at 3.20am on Friday 10th August 2012. You entered the world at 12.29am on Saturday 11th August.

I expected to be a terrible mother.
I expected to break you.
I expected that I wouldn’t know how to love you or how to give you a life worth living.
I expected that I would ruin your life, and that you would alter mine in ways I wouldn’t want.
I expected that I would lose myself, my self-worth and my self-identity.
I expected that I wouldn’t survive it.

I thought that I was never going to be good enough, loving enough or maternal enough.
Alexis, I need to thank you. Thank you for proving me wrong.

This next bit is hard to write – please don’t lose sight of how much I love you when you read this.
Something people don’t talk about much is that there are times when mothers don’t connect with their babies straight away. They know in their head that they love their baby but their heart doesn’t agree. Their heart needs time to catch up. This was you and me. I think the fact that I so deeply believed that I wasn’t good enough to be your mum created a massive disconnect between us.

Alexis, you helped me get through that disconnect. You were a little two-week-old baby. It was during a feed, in the middle of the night. I started crying. I realised that I was in love. A deep, unshakeable love. A love I didn’t know my heart could handle.
I didn’t expect the love I had for you to wash over me so quickly and so deeply. I didn’t expect that it would spill out of my eyes.

I didn’t expect a two-week-old to change me.
I didn’t expect that I would lose myself, only to find myself.
I didn’t expect all the walls that I had built to crash down.
I didn’t expect that I would like the person I would become so much more than the person I had been.

Alexis, you taught me to love in a way I didn’t know I could. You taught me to give.
You taught me to stop and reflect. You taught me how to protect. You stole the person I was. You stole my thoughts and feelings; you turned black and white to colour and you made my world brighter. I didn’t expect that you and I would grow together. You grew physically, while I grew emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Your brother will never know or understand this but he should thank you too. The mum I am today and the depth of love I give him is because of you. I’m not a perfect mum but everything good in my parenting is from what I have learnt from you. I’m sorry that I am forever learning with you but I’m grateful that we learn together.

I carry a lot of guilt about how different your early experiences were compared to Solomon’s. The guilt is overwhelming if I think about it too much, because I always think you deserved and will always deserve better. The beginning of our journey was rocky but, because of you, the beginning of Solomon’s journey has been much easier.

You came to the hospital after your brother was born. Seeing you put me at ease. When you saw Solomon, you had pure joy on your face. The way you have adjusted, your resilience, your love for your brother, has made our transition into a family of four so easy.
I underestimated you. I always do, I always have.
Not because I don’t think you’re capable, but because I don’t want to put too much pressure on you to perform a certain way. The truth is that I expected it to be more of a struggle for you.

Once again, I should learn to let go of my expectations because you always have, and I suspect that you always will, exceed them.

Alexis, let go of expectations in life. Let go of what you think might happen, should happen, will happen, and go with the flow. Enjoy what it is happening. I’m not saying you should be passive or reactive in your journey, just don’t let failing expectations destroy your view of the world.

Alexis,
I didn’t expect to be writing this to you with blonde hair dye in my hair, hoping it will take.
I didn’t expect to go to Kmart today and feel so much anxiety because of this pandemic, another thing we never expected.
I never expected to get a divorce.
I never expected to want to kill myself.
I never expected to love someone again.
I never expected that I would self-harm.
That I would have an abortion. Or a miscarriage.
That I would go to India. Or that I would miss a stupid yellow car after crashing it.
I never expected that I would run a marathon. Or an ultra-marathon.
That I would be considering breeding bunnies.
That the last 3 weeks would be the most I have attended church in the past 3 years.
I never expected any of this.
But all of this leads me to this moment, to right now.
And I love everything happening right now, even with this bloody virus dictating the way we live.

If all those things didn’t happen, if those unexpected moments hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be here. This wouldn’t be my existence; this wouldn’t be my life. And I’m grateful for this Life.

Don’t let the unexpected shock you, let it delight you.
You know, Lex, you too were unexpected. You were my perfect, beautiful, fun, amazing surprise. You are my favourite ‘unexpected’ surprise.
Because of you, I love the unexpected.