​Connection Vs Attention

I don't believe children are naughty; I never have. And I find it deeply interesting to ask questions like, "Is your baby a good baby?"
What does that mean? Is your baby good? Does it mean it sleeps through the night? Or doesn't cry? Does it mean that the baby doesn't need to be held all the time? On the flip side – why do we consider a baby who loves a cuddle a bad baby?
Just as every adult is vastly different and has their own emotional needs, so do children, and this starts at birth, even before birth.

I have worked with various ages throughout my life, from very young to older and teenagers. I remember working closely with teenagers, and people would often say, "they are just seeking attention." I would hear it with educators too, "that child is just crying because they want attention. That child is throwing toys because they get attention. If we ignore them, they'll stop".

I've always responded to this remark with, "well, give them the positive attention they need."
By all means, the child may stop the behavior they are displaying if no one tends to them, but why did they stop? What is it they missed through us not responding to them? Maybe the question we need to ask is why did the child begin that behavior?

You and Alexis are both relatively placid; both happy to play independently, explore your space, and be distracted by the toys and resources offered to you. Solomon, when you cry, I never tell Alexis, "just ignore him; he's attention-seeking" I go over and see what is wrong.
When Alexis cries for help, I know that shit just got real, and she needs help and support.
When you cry, you are both 100% seeking attention. But is attention-seeking a bad thing? It is possible that attention is not only what you want but, more importantly, what you need and deeply require. When I go and give you attention, I provide you with the connection you need, which is the real underlying message. Your tears are telling me something - "I need help," "I've hurt myself," "my heart is sad," "I need support," "I don't understand why this is happening."

If a child behaves unpleasantly – throwing toys, hitting, yelling – I would say what they seek is attention which is begging for a deep connection.

Behaviour is never the issue; the emotion causing the behavior need to be our focus.

If a child is at home and only gets attention (whether positive or negative) when they've done something undesirable, they come to believe this is how they receive attention. Why should we expect them to behave differently in another situation?

I wonder if I need to change my behavior and mindset before expecting children to change theirs.

Is it possible to move from reactive parenting to responsive parenting? My job is to develop strong connections to you and your sister (think of the circle of security, an article for another day). Sure, this won't eliminate all issues, but it may give you an element of freedom to explore and do wrong, knowing there is safety and comfort at the end of it.

We need to be slower to judge and quicker to love! Imagine if every time a child did something wrong* we didn't respond with "they're naughty" and "they're attention-seeking" but instead responded with "what connection are they seeking at this moment?" "What are their deep emotional needs which need a meeting?"

*I don't like saying a child did something wrong. The child isn't doing wrong; they're exploring their place within the world and how it works.