Teaching Consent

​​I put my hand on your leg while sitting on the couch next to each other - much to my surprise, you picked it up and moved it away.
I asked, "Solomon, can I please put my hand on your leg?" You, although minimal speech, have a solid understanding - you shook your head, a definite no. Like most two-year-olds, you have an excellent knowledge of what you want and don't want. I will admit, though, that I have pushed for this.
In the morning, I give you choices; what shoes do you want to wear, what flavour of yoghurt do you want for breakfast, and what toy car do you want to take on our drive? When you communicate through pointing, nodding, or shaking your head, I respond accordingly; because I'm on a journey of teaching you consent.

From birth, children can learn about consent and how to set boundaries in their lives. From the moment you were born, I would talk to you about what I was doing when you were involved, "Solomon, I'm going to place you in the pram now, and we're going to go for a walk", "Solomon, I'm going to change your nappy now, so you feel more comfortable". After these comments, I would stop and wait, trying to make eye contact or smile at you so you understood you were safe. I would continue talking to you throughout the process, ensuring you were an active participant, not just a doll.
Through these small gestures, I am teaching you your voice, wants and needs matter and should be respected.
I have tried to teach Alexis the same thing; that she doesn't have to hug anyone she doesn't want to (even at the risk of offending them), she doesn't have to engage with or talk to strangers, and she doesn't have to stay in any situation where she feels uncomfortable. I knock on the bathroom door if she is getting changed; despite knowing the answer is "yes", I'm trying to teach her that I respect her privacy and her right to say "no".

I believe we expect far too much from children and, through doing so, have taken away their voice. We expect them to interact with adults they don't know, hug grownups they aren't comfortable with, be polite to strangers, and embrace us – their adults – even if they don't feel like it. Children, just like adults, have and deserve the right to say "no". We should never assume; we should always ask.

When a baby is born, we pass them around from person to person so casually. I don't think this is unhealthy, but I believe it can be harmful because we don't tell them what will happen, who they are about to go to, and that you, their secure attachment, are close.
Children are not voiceless, but there is potential that they can be when we don't implement such strategies and include them in their day to day journey.

As I teach this consent to you and Alexis, I always want to teach you to seek it from others. Some children might not like being hugged hello or goodbye. In teaching you to ask others, you learn empathy and understanding rather than just expecting. While I teach you to say "no", I also am teaching you to listen to the "no" of your peers and listen to their wishes. We all need to learn better to listen to the verbal and non-verbal cues others communicate to us.

One day You and Alexis, actually all children, will need the confidence to say "no" to many situations. For this confidence to flourish, you need to be taught that you can make choices, say "no", and say "yes" from a young age.
And, as the person who makes choices for your lives - I need to respect your yes and no, because if I don't, as your trusted adult, one day someone less important may take advantage of your lack of confidence.
Of course, when you are at risk of harm, I step in. No matter how much you want to, you are not allowed to run onto the road. Your "yes" may be my "no". However, as I say "no", I talk to you about my no - it's not safe, big cars can't see little people.
When I ask to change your nappy, and you shake your head, I explain to you the importance and talk further with you, "okay, you can have five minutes, but then I will need to change your nappy if I don't, your bottom and penis will become sore."
In the long run, I aim to speak and treat you, Alexis, and all children with respect, empowering you to know your rights and needs - I desire you to expect this sort of treatment from all people and give it to them in return.

You always have the right to say no, and I, and all adults, should be empowering you to do so.